The Velominati Rules of Road Cycling

THE VELOMINATI are an online cycling collective dedicated to road cycling. They embrace cycling not as a pastime, but as a way of life, as obsessed with style, heritage, authenticity and wisdom as with performance. They created a set of rules that when followed enable cyclists to adhere the complexities of cycling etiquette. THE RULES is their Bible. It is an essential part of every cyclist's arsenal - whether you're grudgingly cycling to work in the rain or gearing up to be the next Bradley Wiggins, Chris Hoy or Victoria Pendleton. 

Velominati – The Rules

1. // Obey The Rules.
2. // Lead by example.
3. // Guide the uninitiated.
4. // It’s all about the bike.
5. // Harden The Fuck Up.
6. // Free your mind and your legs will follow.
7. // Tan lines should be cultivated and kept razor sharp.
8. // Saddles, bars, and tires shall be carefully matched.
9. // If you are out riding in bad weather, it means you are a badass. Period.
10. // It never gets easier, you just go faster.
11. // Family does not come first. The bike does.
12. // The correct number of bikes to own is n+1. While the minimum number of bikes one should own is three, the correct number is n+1, where n is the number of bikes currently owned. This equation may also be re-written as s-1, where s is the number of bikes owned that would result in separation from your partner.
13. // If you draw race number 13, turn it upside down.
14. // Shorts should be black.
15. // Black shorts should also be worn with leader’s jerseys.
16. // Respect the jersey.
17. // Team kit is for members of the team.
18. // Know what to wear. Don’t suffer kit confusion.
19. // Introduce Yourself.
20. // There are only three remedies for pain.
    • If your quads start to burn, shift forward to use your hamstrings and calves, or
    • If your calves or hamstrings start to burn, shift back to use your quads, or
    • If you feel wimpy and weak, meditate on  Rule #5 and train more!
21. // Cold weather gear is for cold weather.
22. // Cycling caps are for cycling.
23. // Tuck only after reaching Escape Velocity.
24. // Speeds and distances shall be referred to and measured in kilometers.
25. // The bikes on top of your car should be worth more than the car.
26. // Make your bike photogenic.
27. // Shorts and socks should be like Goldilocks.
28. // Socks can be any damn colour you like.
29. // No European Posterior Man-Satchels.
30. // No frame-mounted pumps.
31. // Spare tubes, multi-tools and repair kits should be stored in jersey pockets.
32. // Humps are for camels: no hydration packs.
33. // Shave your guns.
34. // Mountain bike shoes and pedals have their place. On a mountain bike.
35. // No visors on the road.
36. // Eyewear shall be cycling specific.
37. // The arms of the eyewear shall always be placed over the helmet straps.
38. // Don’t Play Leap Frog.
39. // Never ride without your eyewear.
40. // Tires are to be mounted with the label centered over the valve stem.
41. // Quick-release levers are to be carefully positioned.
42. // A bike race shall never be preceded with a swim and/or followed by a run.
43. // Don’t be a jackass.
44. // Position matters.
45. // Slam your stem.
46. // Keep your bars level.
47. // Drink Tripels, don’t ride triples.
48. // Saddles must be level and pushed back.
49. // Keep the rubber side down.
50. // Facial hair is to be carefully regulated.
51. // Livestrong wristbands are cockrings for your arms.
52. // Drink in Moderation.
53. // Keep your kit clean and new.
54. // No aerobars on road bikes.
55. // Earn your turns.
56. // Espresso or macchiato only.
57. // No stickers.
58. // Support your local bike shop.
59. // Hold your line.
60. // Ditch the washer-nut and valve-stem cap.
61. // Like your guns, saddles should be smooth and hard.
62. // You shall not ride with earphones.
63. // Point in the direction you’re turning.
64. // Cornering confidence increases with time and experience.
65. // Maintain and respect your machine.
66. // No  mirrors.
67. // Do your time in the wind.
68. // Rides are to be measured by quality, not quantity.
69. // Cycling shoes and bicycles are made for riding.
70. // The purpose of competing is to win.
71. // Train Properly..
72. // Legs speak louder than words.
73. // Gear and brake cables should be cut to optimum length.
74. // V Meters or small computers only.
75. // Race numbers are for races.
76. // Helmets are to be hung from your stem. When not worn, helmets are to be clipped to the stem and draped over your handlebars thusly.
77. // Respect the earth; don’t litter.
78. // Remove unnecessary gear.
79. // Fight for your town lines.
80. // Always be Casually Deliberate.
81. // Don’t talk it up.
82. // Close the gap.
83. // Be self-sufficient.
84. // Follow the Code.
85. // Descend like a Pro.
86. // Don’t half-wheel.
87. // The Ride Starts on Time. No exceptions.
88. // Don’t surge.
89. // Pronounce it Correctly.
90. // Never Get Out of the Big Ring.
91. // No Food On Training Rides Under Four Hours.