Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
2 Feb 2014
7 Dec 2013
What Cyclists Say and What They Really Mean!!
This trail is a blast. (I hope you have good medical insurance)
I think I might have a flat tire. (Slow down, will ya?)I don 't have a low enough gear. (I've gained 5 pounds)
I definitely have a flat tire. (Help me change it)
I've decided to buy a lighter bike. (I've gained 10 pounds)
I'm carbo loading. (Pass the beer)Hold on, there's something wrong with my bike. (Let's stop so I can rest)
I'm tapering. (I haven't ridden in 2 months)
The rebound was off, so I modified the damping. But then the elastomers were too dense, so I changed the oil and got rid of the stiction. (I have a new suspension fork and you don't!)
If you're a good bike handler, you don't need to wear a helmet. (I'm so stupid a brain injury wouldn't affect me)
Nobody needs a dual-suspension mountain bike. (I can't afford a dual-suspension mountain bike)
Dual suspension is the only way to go. (I just dropped 3 months' salary on a dual-suspension mountain bike)
She's a hammer. (She's faster than me)
He's a geek. (I'm faster than him)
I bonked. (All I took for a 4-hour ride was a half-empty bottle of month-old OJ and a moldy Twinkie)
If you don't crash, you're not going fast enough, dude!. (I crash a lot)
I don't own a car. (I'm a better person than you)
I'm on my beater bike. (I had this baby custom-made in Tuscany using Carbon Fiber blessed by the Pope. I took it to a wind tunnel and it disappeared. It weighs less than a fart and costs more than a divorce)
I do all my own bike maintenance. (When I squeeze the front brake lever, the bike shifts gears)
Thanks for waiting. (Wipe that smug grin off your ugly face)
Hey, did you guys hear about those new 1.8 gram carbon-fiber quick-release skewers with titanium springs?. (I am a very lonely person)
This section of trail looks doable. (You first, sucker)
I want to ride my bike to work, but... (I don't want to ride my bike to work)
He's such a wheelsucker. (I can't drop him)
She's always half-wheeling me. (I can't keep up with her)
Been riding much? (How fit are you ?)
Not much. You? (My anaerobic threshold is 250 and my resting pulse is 14)
Nah, I've been really busy. (My body fat is 2%)
Well, let's take it easy today. (Ready, set, go!)
My tires suck! (This climb is killing me!)Can you clear that drop-off? (I can, but I bet you can't)
It's getting dark. (I wanna go home)This hill is easy. (This trail's pretty tough but I'm gonna try and lose you on it)
This bike is a piece of shit! (I can't ride worth shit)
I think I broke my arm. (There's a little bruise on my arm and I don't want to ride anymore)
I'd jump that but I don't want to tweak my new rims. (I'm too chicken to try)
That climb wasn't that bad. (I'm going to puke)
That trail is boring. (I know I can't make it)
Last one down is buying. (I'll make you feel like a loser and get a free beer too!)
My bike was acting funny. (Otherwise I would have whooped your butt!)
He's pretty good. (I know I'm better than him)
He sucks! (He's better than me)
This is a no-drop ride. (I'll need an article of your clothing for the search-and-rescue dogs.)
That thing's a piece of shit. (I wish I had one)That wasn't that bad. (Oh…my…god…I’m…having…a…heart…attack)
Wow, that was at least 10 feet high. (5 feet max. probably closer to 4)
He spends a lot of time biking. (I wish I was as good as him)
source: Bicycling mag
source: Bicycling mag
27 Sept 2013
24 Aug 2013
30 Jul 2013
23 Jul 2013
Mother of all Bike PJs : )
Q: What is a ghost-proof bicycle?
A: One with no spooks in it.
Q: Which is the cheapest bicycle you can buy?
A: Penny-farthing.
Q: What's the hardest thing about learning to ride a bicycle?
A: The road.
Q: When is a bicycle not a bicycle?
A: When it turns into a driveway.
Q: What did the bicycle call its dad?
A: Pop-cycle
Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.
O: What do you get if you cross a chemical and a bicycle ?
A: Bike carbonate of soda !
Q: Why can't a bicycle stand up by itself?
A: Because it is two-tired (too tired).
Q: Why can't an elephant ride a bicycle?
A: Because he doesn't have a thumb to ring the bell.
Q: Which Elizabethan sailor could stop bikes ?
A: Sir Francis Brake !
Q: What do you get if you cross a bike and a rose ?
A: Bicycle petals !
Q: Why couldn't Cinderella win the bicycle race?
A: She has a pumpkin for a coach!
Q: Why are bank tellers not allowed to ride bicycles?
A: They tend to lose their balance.
Q. Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off?
A. It was a vicious cycle.
28 Jun 2013
24 Jun 2013
16 Jun 2013
11 Jun 2013
U Know U are a Cyclist when... : p
1. You tell a family of 5 in a crowded mall to "hold their line."
2. Your spouse says "If you buy another bike I'm going to leave you" and you think, "I guess I'm going to miss him/her."
3. You have more water bottles than you have drinking glasses.
4. You have more cycling jerseys than work shirts.
5. Your cycling jersey IS your work shirt.
6. Your legs are smoother than your wife's.
7. The nicest pair of shoes you own have cleats in the soles.
8. You are walking along a street and you signal left.
9. You go to your local store on a bike.
10. You sulk when in cars, on hot days.
11. You sulk when in cars, on cold, windy, snowy days.
12. You get withdrawal symptoms if off the bike for more than a day.
13. When anybody mentions distance you immediately think of how long it would take to cycle it.
14. You point at pot holes, but you are driving in your car alone.
15. While driving your car you yell at your passenger "Car back" as a vehicle approaches from behind.
16. Your bike is worth more than your car.
17. You put more miles on your bike than your car.
18. Weather forecasts can be broken down into 2 categories: good biking weather, bad biking weather.
19. You put your bicycle in your car, and the value of the total package increases by a factor of 4 (or better).
20. You find out you are going to have a child and the first thing you think about is how you will schedule your rides to avoid divorce and still be a parent.
21. You spend 2X the money on cycling wear that you do work clothes.
22. You can tell your wife with a straight face that it's too hot to mow the lawn, then bike off for a century.
23. You dream of winning the lottery and the first thing you think of is how many/which bikes can I buy?
24. You buy a car based on whether or not a bike will fit in the trunk/back, with the rear seat folded down.
25. You open your car window and yell out "On your left" when passing cars on the freeway.
26. You have not one, not two, but three permanent chain ring scars on your right calf.
27. Your bike sleeps with you in the living or bedroom.
28. You wear a heart rate monitor during sex.
29. You check out all other guys/girls legs to see if they are better than yours.
30. Your spouse can't take it anymore and takes up cycling.
31. You wonder why a $500 bike has 24 gear ratios, while a $20,000 car or truck only has 4.
32. You crash...and insist on getting to the bike shop to have your bike checked out BEFORE going to the hospital.
33. You can't seem to get to work before 8:30am, but you don't have a problem meeting your buddies at 5:30am for a ride.
34. You’ve given your bike a nickname.
35. You know that pain is just fear leaving your body, before it returns through your hamstrings.
36. You’ve heard the words “Just a friendly ride, no one gets dropped” while rapidly falling back in the pack.
37. You hate headwinds, hills and trucks parked on the shoulder of any descent.
38. You forget all the pain, headwinds, humidity and hills within days of a long ride, and start dreaming about the next.
39. You’ve washed off that chain ring grease “tattoo” on your calf so often that you went ahead and got a real one there.
40. When camping, your bike stays with you in your tent.
41. You’ve considered what can still be accomplished in life while a broken collarbone heals.
42. You’ve misplaced an hour of your life cursing, sweating and twisting a wrench, unaware that one of the pedals threads the opposite way.
43. When your loved ones have assigned a separate hamper for your dirty bike clothes, and placed a hazmat label on it.
44. You can ID five brands and sixteen flavors of protein bars in a blind taste test, but on most long rides you would eat wet shoe leather, properly salted and containing a balance of electrolytes, of course.
45. Approaching a rider from behind, you’ve thought, “I will attack until your lungs cease to function properly, you collapse in the gutter and call out for your grandma’s quilted afghan.” Then offered a respectful nod as you blurred by.you check out everyone else’s legs to see if they are better than yours.
46. You know the difference between a Presta and a Schrader valve.
47. You wear more tights than a children’s theater group performing Peter Pan.
48. You are an expert at spotting thunderstorms, tornados, windstorms, marauding cattle and ice cream stands from a distance.
49. You have been caught in a thunderstorm while still in the saddle blinking away water and grinning all the way home.
50. You learned a long time ago that it doesn’t matter how light or fast, just get on that bike.
51. You have defined the 8 stages of road kill decomposition through daily observation.
52. You have tested your hypothermic limits and found that they can be expanded with pedal speed, layering and hot cocoa.
53. Your wallet is clear, made of plastic and sports the designer label Ziplok.
54. You have more up-to-date knowledge of bike specs, gear and equipment than the staff at your local shop.
55. You think about each hill as a cyclist, even when you are driving in a car.
56. You know how many miles you rode last night, last week, last year.
57. You have a Biker’s Tan. (bottom 2 /3 of your legs, lower 1/2 your arms, and two little circles on the tops of your hands)
58. You get sad when your Biker’s Tan fades.
~ Author Unknown (compiled from the net)
2. Your spouse says "If you buy another bike I'm going to leave you" and you think, "I guess I'm going to miss him/her."
3. You have more water bottles than you have drinking glasses.
4. You have more cycling jerseys than work shirts.
5. Your cycling jersey IS your work shirt.
6. Your legs are smoother than your wife's.
7. The nicest pair of shoes you own have cleats in the soles.
8. You are walking along a street and you signal left.
9. You go to your local store on a bike.
10. You sulk when in cars, on hot days.
11. You sulk when in cars, on cold, windy, snowy days.
12. You get withdrawal symptoms if off the bike for more than a day.
13. When anybody mentions distance you immediately think of how long it would take to cycle it.
14. You point at pot holes, but you are driving in your car alone.
15. While driving your car you yell at your passenger "Car back" as a vehicle approaches from behind.
16. Your bike is worth more than your car.
17. You put more miles on your bike than your car.
18. Weather forecasts can be broken down into 2 categories: good biking weather, bad biking weather.
19. You put your bicycle in your car, and the value of the total package increases by a factor of 4 (or better).
20. You find out you are going to have a child and the first thing you think about is how you will schedule your rides to avoid divorce and still be a parent.
21. You spend 2X the money on cycling wear that you do work clothes.
22. You can tell your wife with a straight face that it's too hot to mow the lawn, then bike off for a century.
23. You dream of winning the lottery and the first thing you think of is how many/which bikes can I buy?
24. You buy a car based on whether or not a bike will fit in the trunk/back, with the rear seat folded down.
25. You open your car window and yell out "On your left" when passing cars on the freeway.
26. You have not one, not two, but three permanent chain ring scars on your right calf.
27. Your bike sleeps with you in the living or bedroom.
28. You wear a heart rate monitor during sex.
29. You check out all other guys/girls legs to see if they are better than yours.
30. Your spouse can't take it anymore and takes up cycling.
31. You wonder why a $500 bike has 24 gear ratios, while a $20,000 car or truck only has 4.
32. You crash...and insist on getting to the bike shop to have your bike checked out BEFORE going to the hospital.
33. You can't seem to get to work before 8:30am, but you don't have a problem meeting your buddies at 5:30am for a ride.
34. You’ve given your bike a nickname.
35. You know that pain is just fear leaving your body, before it returns through your hamstrings.
36. You’ve heard the words “Just a friendly ride, no one gets dropped” while rapidly falling back in the pack.
37. You hate headwinds, hills and trucks parked on the shoulder of any descent.
38. You forget all the pain, headwinds, humidity and hills within days of a long ride, and start dreaming about the next.
39. You’ve washed off that chain ring grease “tattoo” on your calf so often that you went ahead and got a real one there.
40. When camping, your bike stays with you in your tent.
41. You’ve considered what can still be accomplished in life while a broken collarbone heals.
42. You’ve misplaced an hour of your life cursing, sweating and twisting a wrench, unaware that one of the pedals threads the opposite way.
43. When your loved ones have assigned a separate hamper for your dirty bike clothes, and placed a hazmat label on it.
44. You can ID five brands and sixteen flavors of protein bars in a blind taste test, but on most long rides you would eat wet shoe leather, properly salted and containing a balance of electrolytes, of course.
45. Approaching a rider from behind, you’ve thought, “I will attack until your lungs cease to function properly, you collapse in the gutter and call out for your grandma’s quilted afghan.” Then offered a respectful nod as you blurred by.you check out everyone else’s legs to see if they are better than yours.
46. You know the difference between a Presta and a Schrader valve.
47. You wear more tights than a children’s theater group performing Peter Pan.
48. You are an expert at spotting thunderstorms, tornados, windstorms, marauding cattle and ice cream stands from a distance.
49. You have been caught in a thunderstorm while still in the saddle blinking away water and grinning all the way home.
50. You learned a long time ago that it doesn’t matter how light or fast, just get on that bike.
51. You have defined the 8 stages of road kill decomposition through daily observation.
52. You have tested your hypothermic limits and found that they can be expanded with pedal speed, layering and hot cocoa.
53. Your wallet is clear, made of plastic and sports the designer label Ziplok.
54. You have more up-to-date knowledge of bike specs, gear and equipment than the staff at your local shop.
55. You think about each hill as a cyclist, even when you are driving in a car.
56. You know how many miles you rode last night, last week, last year.
57. You have a Biker’s Tan. (bottom 2 /3 of your legs, lower 1/2 your arms, and two little circles on the tops of your hands)
58. You get sad when your Biker’s Tan fades.
~ Author Unknown (compiled from the net)
30 May 2013
24 Apr 2013
Letter from a Concerned Cyclist : p
Dear Abby,
I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife is cheating on me. I see the usual signals; the phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with ‘the girls’ a lot lately, although when I ask for their names she says, “just some friends from work, you don’t know them.” I try to stay awake to see when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down, I just didn't want to know the truth.
Last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my road and mountain bikes so I could get a good view of the street when she arrived home from her night out with ‘the girls’. When she got out of the car, she was straightening out her dress, which was in a disarray, and she took her stockings out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that very moment, crouching behind my bike, I noticed a slight crack in the down tube, two inches behind the headset. Is this something I can fix myself, or should I take it back to the bike shop?
– Concerned Cyclist
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